Laugh Now: Jigger Speaks

By Bill Graefe

Since the beginning of time, man has found particular entities that determine his very worth and place in society. In ancient Greece, warriors and poets alike depended on fate; in 18th century tribal society, it was wampum that could make or break you … and in contemporary America, the social ladder hinges on the cell phone.

Think about this. Americans in the 21st century have entrusted their very souls to this electronic gem. Man used to put stock in how many acres he owned; now it's in how many "Peak-time" minutes he has. And if you don’t have unlimited nights and weekends, well you might as well just crawl into a cave and die.

Personally, I liked the old systems better … not only were they more concrete, but they were much easier to understand. When I got my cell, I had to pull out an encyclopedia just to read the terms of agreement. Unfortunately, words like off-peak, voicemail, text messaging and regional zoning haven’t found their way into Webster’s.

Back in the day, you'd trade three horses and a goat, and you'd get a spouse. Life was so much simpler then … no need for a minimum one-year agreement with a $150 early-cancellation fee.

That’s another thing about these cell phones. They tell you the plan costs $35 a month, but they don’t say that each additional minute you use beyond your plan is like 75 cents a pop. I mean, we have college kids trying to sell the platelets out of their blood simply to boost their minutes and thus take their seat at the throne of Nokialand.

Speaking of which, that company comes out with a new, more compact phone with more options like once a week. My parents used to complain about video games systems and how fast they evolve … Sony has got Playstation 2, while Nokia is working on model 3390 … which I’m fairly sure is the size of a matchbox and acts as a universal remote, computer and microwave oven.

Yet one cannot deny that these digital communicators are simply the staple of the new American caste system. It has infiltrated every part of the American "chi," and starts at a very young age. My 11-year-old brother wants a cell phone for Christmas! Who is he going to call –– Santa? Or maybe the tooth fairy?

"Hello?"

"Hey T, just wanted to hit ya up and let you know my one front tooth fell out."

"Ok, let me check the wireless web stock ticker to see the current IPO on incisors ... Ok, I got it. Let me electronically transfer you that $1.50 into your savings account."

But the kid doesn’t just want this phone; he needs it … and that is the point. Everyone else is getting one, and he will be left out in the dark. Man, all I wanted was the new transformer and Ninja Turtle movie, and my popularity was set until Easter. Cell phones were a fantasy, except when Zack Morris was dialing up Kelly on "Saved by the Bell," and that thing weighed at least 20 pounds.

And the cell phone simply becomes an extension of yourself and your profession as you get older. In business, cell phones are literally like oxygen masks to corporate America … just put it up to your mouth and talk about anything to survive. I’ve seen people that would never stop and ask for directions frantically pull their BMW’s off the road because they lost some reception. And medically? Well, I don’t think anyone even thought about trying to cure cancer until we found that talking on some cell models can give you the disease in your ear.

And like all social status gauges over the years, the cell phone simply ostracizes the older community, putting it at a clear disadvantage. After two months of convincing my grandparents that the cell phone was not the tool of the Devil, they finally got one to go on vacation with my parents. The salesman said to my grandfather, "Take it home and play with it … You can’t really mess these things up."

Two hours later, they finally got in touch with us, and choking back the tears, told us that the cell phone wouldn’t let them call anyone, was locked up and currently displaying all directions in French. The status icon of the 21st century had deemed my relatives unworthy, and they were forced to resign back to their rotary phone.