The Etownian >> Opinion
Lesson plans
Thursday April 29 2010
It’s come to my attention that, while I continue to offer helpful advice to my female readers on the trials and tribulations of love, I’ve been unfairly neglecting the masculine minority of my reader base. And God knows they need just as much help as we do. Today, my dear vagina-loving friends, I am going to teach you how to successfully get laid. First, understand that getting advice is a rare and special opportunity for a young man. It is comparable to being taught to sing by Simon Cowell or learning to properly cook placentas from Tom Cruise. It is straight from the mouth of the prey; in this case, a warm-blooded female with a bitter disposition.
The truth is, gentlemen, the key to unlocking a woman’s chamber of secrets is not learning what to do but what not to do.
Lesson 1
Don’t listen to any advice from Ryan Seacrest or anyone who has spent more than five minutes in his contagious presence. On his website, he offers five secrets to score females. First of all, why would anyone listen to someone at the level of douchery that Ryan Seacrest has reached? Second of all, one of these so-called “secrets” is to cook her banana-nut bread. Apparently, women fantasize about banana-nut bread being smeared all over their naked bodies. No. Best case scenario: she’ll pat you on the head for a wasted effort and spend the next hour eating bread instead of having sex with you. Worst case scenario: she’s allergic to nuts, and you’ll have to frantically search for her EpiPen, which, of course, she’ll be too embarrassed to tell you she used as a tool of sexual pleasure instead of having sex with you. Ryan Seacrest, step out of the closet and stop telling men that the key to every chastity belt is a delicious breakfast treat.
Lesson 2
Stop talking. Chances are you’ll do more harm than good if you flap your lips, so just nod and smile and look brooding. Brooding is key. If you look strong and silent, she will assume you are a deep, intellectual type, even if you’re as shallow as a kitchen sink. She’ll think you’re a poet or a misunderstood artist instead of the creepy guy who once gave her a loaf of banana-nut bread. She’ll want to hold you, nurture you and, most importantly, heal the wounds of your soul with a quick round of the horizontal shuffle.
Lesson 3
Don’t fear rejection. Confidence should be seeping out of your pores at all times because woman can smell insecurity. If you approach a girl with your eyes at your feet and your metaphorical tail between your legs, your chances are slim to none. If she turns you down, don’t curl into a corner and consider suicide. Instead, shrug your shoulders and move on toward the next girl. There are plenty more vaginas in the sea.
Lesson 4
So you’ve gotten her into bed. There are only a few instances when you should stop yourself at this point in the game. Warning signs include: if she asks “What’s that?” when you drop your pants, if she pulls out a strap-on and asks if you’ve ever been dominated by a woman or, if upon entering your bedroom, she points out the places where your wedding pictures would look just adorable.
Class dismissed.
The Etownian >> Opinion