The Etownian >> Opinion
10 Dating Commandments
Thursday November 12 2009
For the Average College Male1. Thou shalt not take pictures of yourself shirtless in front of the mirror. We can see that you’re holding the camera phone. And your abs may be nice, but let’s leave that for some lucky girl to discover — and not for the entire Facebook universe to experience.
2. Thou shalt not catcall at women from moving vehicles. While this method seems foolproof, it has a surprisingly low success rate for getting laid.
3. Thou shalt not brag about the following: your high school glory days, how often you drink or the size of your … brain.
4. Thou shalt not pick up girls who claim to be uninterested in committed relationships and “totally cool” with casual sex. They’re lying.
5. Thou shalt not date girls who are against food. If you take her out and she orders a plate of romaine lettuce with no dressing, run far, far away.
6. Thou shalt not be jerked around by women. If she breaks up with you every other day, cheats on you occasionally and always makes a point to flirt with your friends in front of you, push her out of a moving car. I’m sure she can tuck and roll.
7. Thou shalt wear protection. Helmets, knee pads and protective eye gear can prevent some of the leading injuries in this country.
8. Thou shalt not base romantic decisions off of what your friends think. Your friend keeps trying to convince you that Prospective Girl #1 is a total dog because he doesn’t want to be the only one whacking it to Girls Gone Wild commercials on late night TV tonight.
9. Thou shalt beware of drunk girls. While she may look sexy gyrating her hips to a Miley Cyrus song early in the night, you could end up with a lap full of vomit and a girl sobbing and snotting into your shoulder.
10. Thou shalt be a gentleman. There are so few of them left.
For the Average College Female
1. Thou shalt not get so intoxicated that thou has no sense of the “personal bubble.” No one wants to date the stupid drunk girl — specially when she is screaming, approximately two centimeters from your face, leaving you no choice but to inhale her vodka breath and listen to how cute her cat is.
2. Thou shalt not bring up sad ex-boyfriend stories while out with boyfriend prospects. So he cheated on you with your best friend? Well, I bet she didn’t talk about her ex-boyfriends. Similarly, the topic of your secret fantasies about Edward Cullen, John Stamos or Ryan Atwood from “The O.C.” are strictly off-limits.
3. Thou shalt remember that crack kills. Please pull up your pants or buy larger ones.
4. Thou shalt not update your Facebook status with every single move you make. Do you know who cares that you’re “shopping with your besties, doing laundry, getting homework done and then watching Laguna Beach re runs?” No one.
5. Thou shalt be yourself. If he’s a vegetarian and you love your steak still mooing, order it rare. If he can’t accept you for what you are, then the relationship is bound for failure.
6. Thou shalt not wear makeup to the gym. It’s a gym, not Single’s Night at the YMCA.
7. Thou shalt not rely completely on good looks. One day your boobs will sag, the fat under your arms will jiggle when you’re calling Bingo, and, as much as you hate to admit it, you will resort to that curly grey “Golden Girls” haircut. If your husband is stuck with you because you looked like Beyoncé in college, he might take the transformation a little hard, and you’ll catch him making copies of his 20-year-old secretary’s sculpted rear end.
8. Thou shalt not date men who treat you like a piece of canine defecation. They say, “If you treat a hot girl like dirt, she’ll stick to you like mud.” As the commercial for cervical cancer prevention states, “I want to be one less.”
9. Thou shalt not flirt with professors, bosses, coaches, policemen or tennis instructors. Dangling the idea of sex in front of your superiors or authority figures may be a way to get to the top, but I promise you that the women in your life will laugh at you and call you a floozy.
10. Above all, thou shalt love thyself. Christina Aguilera thinks you’re beautiful, no matter what they say, and so do I.
The Etownian >> Opinion